The First Tee Beckons
I’ve counseled thousands of clients on issues concerning estate planning and elder law. Counseling in those areas is a big part of what I do. This weekend, the tables will turn. When you read this on Friday it’s likely I will be sitting at the kitchen table in the home of my 90-year-old father in Phoenix, Arizona. Also at the table will be my father who is still fairly mentally capable, my brother who is a physician in Florida, my stepmother who while substantially younger than my father, suffers from short-term memory problems, and last but not least, my half-brother who is 25 years younger than me, is a gregarious bartender in Phoenix, and has surely had his share of personal life challenges.
This meeting was triggered by a fall my father recently had in his backyard. He could not get up and his calls for help went unanswered. Eventually, he dragged himself into the house. That event scared him a great deal, which prompted his call to me asking that I come out to discuss his final wishes, review his estate plan and go to the bank to be put on his safe-deposit box. That might sound straightforward but looks (or sounds) can be deceiving. Just like it is for my clients, there is a lifetime of events and relationships that will swirl around this weekend in Phoenix.
I think that I am very good at identifying and addressing issues that arise for families confronting end of life issues. Lord knows I’ve had plenty of practice. But there is a great saying that golfers committed to the game know: “It’s a long walk from the practice tee to the first tee.” Golf swings seem effortless when they have no personal consequences. That’s the practice tee. But once you stand on the first tee and play for something, then every swing counts and things change substantially.
Counseling clients is kind of like the practice tee for me – I stay logical and draw on my experiences and knowledge of the rules. Sitting down in a personal family meeting is like the first tee – emotions, history and family dynamics take up residence in my lawyer’s mind—and try as I might, they’re not going anywhere.
Nonetheless, I will make every effort to stay committed and offer value to enhance my father’s quality of life moving forward. Here are my “pre-meeting” goals. I share them so that you can see if they might be relevant now or in the future in your own situation.
- Make sure important documents are accessible. This can get complicated when you live out of state. We will need to go through my dad’s house so I know where he keeps his important documents, and we will likely need to go to the bank so that I can get my name on his safe-deposit box. He thinks he can get my name on the box on his own, but I know that I will most likely need to sign the signature card to have access. I also need to know where his “second” and maybe “third” hiding places are. There’s never just one.
- Discuss any changes that need to be made to his plan. Despite being 90, my dad is recently remarried (back to his second of three wives – ah…family dynamics). His current estate plan was created before this remarriage and I suspect and hope that he will want to change his plan to provide more for his current wife. Two big issues arise there: First, telling the family what he’d like to do is one thing but having it put into a legally valid written estate plan is quite another. We will try to find the time to go to his attorney to get that process started. Second, my dad needs to revisit his decision-makers. I doubt seriously that my father’s wife will be able to manage assets on her own after his death. We need to have a long hard discussion about the best person to take on that role. My half-brother (who happens to be her son) is the obvious choice since he lives nearby and is a 40-year-old adult. However, he has not always shown himself to be responsible during times of challenge. This topic will not be easy to resolve.
- Discuss living arrangements. My father has lived a long time for many reasons, including that he finds age to be just a number. He recently bought a convertible Mustang on a whim and lives in a 3,000 plus square foot home on the outskirts of Phoenix. Several factors come into play here. First, despite appearances my father is not a wealthy individual and maintaining all of his “stuff”, even while healthy, is going to continue to be an increasing financial challenge. Secondly, at any moment his whole situation could change, and his living arrangement may be unsustainable. I have arranged for tours of two high quality multistage senior living communities. They have everything from individual apartments to full nursing care as the situation changes. While my father has told me he’s interested in seeing the places, I hear through the grapevine that he really has no interest in moving. This is yet another topic that will get interesting, I’m sure.
- The unexpected. As this section suggests, I have no idea what to expect, but I’ve known my dad all my life and I have no doubt that he will raise some topic, issue, and/or concern that neither I nor anyone else in the room will have anticipated. All I can say is it will be interesting, because…it always is with my dad.
It’s easy for me to sit in my office at my desk with no emotional attachment and address all sorts of issues like the ones above with my clients. I believe that I provide clarity and objective analysis that helps my clients wade through these difficult situations. The feedback I get seems to suggest that I’m right. However, this weekend I will be far from my office desk and sport coat. The person at the table won’t view me as his attorney, but instead as his son. I will make every effort to stay neutral, compassionate and understanding. Also seated silently at the table will be memories of our family history and relationships, both the good and the bad.
I hope that my topic today lets you know you’re not alone when you deal with these unique family issues. Further, I hope that if I survive this trip (LOL) I will be a better estate planning and elder law advisor for you going forward. I’m sure I will learn a lot during this trip.
I’m about to step onto the first tee. I hope I play well.
Fun fact: Phoenix is known as the “Valley of the Sun” and is consistently one of the hottest cities in the US. The average high in the month of July is 103°. My dad would tell you that it’s a dry heat. I would tell you that my body doesn’t recognize the difference between a dry and wet heat when I open a car that’s been sitting in the sun.
